Seven Steps for Writing a Novel
For all you aspiring novelists out there, I’ve slapped together a handy guide for writing your first books. Seven steps are all you need, apparently. I think I’m currently at Step 7.
1. Afflatus
That’s a sudden rush of divine inspiration, for those with a juvenile sense of humor. Step 1 is basically the idea that starts it all, the muse’s key fob that unlocks the car doors so you can hop inside and go someplace. It’s possible to skip this step, as untold numbers of books can attest, but it’s unadvised. The afflatus is the foundation on which you build your story (see the clever construction pun? Man, this is high quality stuff here).
2. Blueprint
An inspired idea is all well and good, but you’ll need to expand on it to get it to a point where you actually have a story. Two guys in a pizza parlor might really get your moustache twirling, but there’s no story there until you figure out, at the least, why they might be sitting there. For some people, Step 2 is an outline of an entire story, divided into scenes and all perfectly set and ready. For everyone else, those people are really, really annoying.
3. Foreplay
Oh yeah, baby. Sometimes you’ve got to work at it, and sometimes it’s just fun, but either way, you’ve got to start somewhere. Step 3 is where you actually sit down and begin writing. The key here is to get as much written down before Step 4 happens, but don’t rush it, because then you might burn out and hit Step 4 sooner rather than later.
4. Uncomfortable Silences
At a certain part, you’ll start to notice issues with what you’ve already written. Maybe things aren’t flowing as well as you’d hoped, or maybe you see things about your characters that you really need to address. Step 4 is really dangerous – if it’s too much, you risk throwing out the whole novel and never, EVER going back to it.
5. Spackle
Okay, so maybe it isn’t as bad as you thought. Patch up a hole here, cover up a crack there, and you can keep on going. Sometimes more problems crop up in the process. Ignore them and move along. After all, you’ll be writing a second draft anyway, and you can handle those issues then.
6. Despair
Remember those little pockmarks you said you could overlook? Turns out there’s so many of them that your little book looks like Swiss cheese, and it’s been left out in the sun too long. It’s starting to smell a little, and that’s never a good sign. Nothing’s working the way you want it to, and somebody ended up dead who was supposed to be in the sequel. Just try to remember that, as much as you might think you know what your novel is about when you start it, your book’s essence comes after its existence, just like you. Yeah, your book is an existentialist.
7. The Last Thing in Pandora’s Box
No, not hope, but if you’re lucky it’ll be enough to get you out of Step 6. Here we have another inspiration, a sudden realization about your world or your characters or something, that puts the entire project in new light. Not quite worthy of being called an afflatus, this inspiration can redefine your novel and get back on track. Return to Step 2. Don’t worry, you’ll get back here eventually.